(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)
methylphenidate extended release 30 milligrams
lorazepam 1 milligram x 2 per day
stimulant medication does help me to focus quite a bit. I have to keep track of my blood
each and every day
people pass from life to death
every person deserves to know that someone loves them
the mistake was not to die too early, but to live at all. This world is pain and it is suffering
I hope that everyone in my life knows that I love them. I do not wish loniliness on anyone in their final moments.
For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo
to be alive is not the gift for to be given life is to be given an automatic and guranteed death sentence.
clonidine is the key along with pregablin
I’m starting to feel it. I do not know if I am feeling the effects as intensely as I initially thought. I wonder how much medication I will eventually require to deal with the ADHD. I will continue on my current course, working at the dermatology office. I will begin to volunteer three nights a week. The experience that I will gain for future resumes is immense. Also I will contniue my education at the University of Iowa getting a Political Science bachelor’s degree, as well as at Arizona State University getting an English bachelor’s degree.
I believe that these goals are not unattainable, not even close. I feel more confident than ever that I will succeed at all of these tasks.
I do believe that my medication is going fully into effect.
A new apartment would be nice, a two bedroom at least. I would also like to pay for the classes that I take at UI and ASU. This is a lofty goal I know, but one that I think I can achieve. Having three degrees would certainly increase my market value. It would also allow me to raise my GPA high enough to get into graduate school . A new apartment sounds like it would be nice, but perhaps we just need to reorganize the one that we have and make it into something better.
if we stay in this apartment we could do some rearranging
medications that I am currently taking
venlafaxine 300 mg
mirtazapine 30 mg
bupropion 150 mg
ropinirole 2 mg
these are taken every day
lorazapam 1 mg
zolpidem or zaleplon
adderall or ritalin
these are either as needed or it is uncertain if I will remain on them
I have now experimented with my Metadate CD capsules by taking the outer capsule coating off and pouring the contents into a glass of milk and drinking it all at once. I think that this will make it immediate release instead of extended release. It does say in the medication guide that you can do this. So it must not be incredibly dangerous. Although, this will put the total amount of methlyphenidate that I have taken since midnight up 180 milligrams. 60 of those are the aforementioned presumed immediate release. I have been taking my blood pressure throughout the night, although I haven’t recorded it. But it has stayed relatively the same and within the normal range, although on the high side. My blood pressure was just measured at about 130/70 which as I said is within normal ranges but elevated nonetheless.
My heart rate is at an alarming 114 beats per minute resting, which I assume is extrememly high. I believe that I have taken at least half of my thirty pill prescription already just two days after filling it. Similarly with my lorazepam, which I received sixty of just three days ago, now of which I have only twelve. My zolpidem extended release is completely gone, and it was filled on the third. I need to start saving my medication first if I want to take more than prescribed.
Tonight, I may take some lorazepam to get to sleep , but then I plan to take a good long break from the medications that I do not need to take on a daily basis. In order to tall back into my prescribed medication schedule, I will not take any methylphenidate for at least three weeks. The lorazepam which I will make one exception for tonight, I will not take again for three weeks and four days. I will not send in for a refill of the zolpidem extended release until the third of March. This is also the day that I will be getting my next tattoo which is something I am looking forward too a gread deal. My next psychiatrist appointment is on the sixth of March. I plan to still have some of my medications from which I will be abstaining. I’m going to record my blood pressure three times a day, every day, as well as my heart rate and total hours of sleep that I am getting. I do have some ideas already for medications I might suggest at my next appointment. Clonidine is the main one, and I think that it will be beneficial for the high blood pressure as well as for sleep and anxiety as well. It would also probably be very beneficial for the attention deficit disorder working in unison with whichever stimulant I end up being on for the long term.
Another medication I would like to suggest at the next appointment is pregablin. I think that this will be great for my anxiety, restless legs and also sleep. Perhaps this medication would be able to substitue for my lorazepam and zolpidem, which may be better for me in the ong haul of this life. Additionionally for sleep I want ot try rozerem, which I don’t forsee as a problem as it is only a melatonin derived drug and not addictive, at least that I am aware of.
to be continued . . .