(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)
The things that I want to do that I can’t because I am depressed. Going to work every day. I need to start exercising again and meditating. I should try to come up with a strict schedule for myself to follow to prevent relapse into depression.
6 am wakeup, shower and get ready for work. eat something for breakfast
6:45 am Leave for work
7:45 am until
5 p.m. Work
5:30 p.m. Arrive at Lutheran Services for volunteering
I can’t do this. I don’t like setting restrictions. I’m freaking out a little about sleep and I shouldn’t. Maybe taking Nyquil would be the best thing for me tonight. Just to get to sleep. And then in the morning get up got to work and then come back home.
I had a good day at work. I just have to stay active, and I think I will be able to fend off my depression and anxiety. I’ve got to maintain confindence and efficiency at work in order to keep the girls at work from being able to criticize my work.
I don’t think I am going to be good at writing stories. It is possible but I don’t feel a passion for it right now. I would like to start getting more tattoos, maybe some ear piercings. My cats are two of the greatest companions in the world. When 6 turns to 9. Duality, the present moment is all eternity.
Waiting, that is the game I must play. I know that I am addicted to drugs. It doesn’t matter what it is, if it will make me feel different, better. I am not so unhappy with life, but I do prefer to feel better if I can. If I am going to be able to continue as I have, I have to have more self-control. I can’t take all of my medication at once. I have to not take my medicine for 1 or 2 months to build up a reserve. This will also help me practice self-control, self-denial. It is also important that I don’t allow others to see me as addicted to drugs. I cannot let them see me as desperate. This is of the utmost importance. The quickest way to not getting what I want is to let others take it away from me. Overindulgence is the thing that I must avoid from now on.
I should only indulge myself after I have denied myself for the same amount of time beforehand. I have to get out in front of myself. At first, perhaps it is better for me to hide the medication so as not to be tempted by it, until I am certain that I am in charge and not the medication. If I had a two month head start on my medication, I would never be without, and that is the ultimate goal. The amounts of medication that I should strive for are 120 milligrams of lorazepam. That is two a day for 60 days. For zolpidem, 12.5 x 60 days, a total of 750 milligrams. Adderall is tricky because I don’t know for sure what the amount is per day that I will take. It says online that rarely is it necessary to go above 40 milligrams per day. 2,400 milligrams. The other medications I can continue to take as I have been. There is no danger in revealing myself as a drug addict.
Other medications that I would like to start are pregablin and clonidine. These are for legitimate self-help with real world anxiety and depression. It should also help me abstain from the others for the two months. So the next time that I will get a refill of all the medications is March 9th, I have an appointment on March 6th, I should maintain a strict no contact with the office until then to retain inconspicousness. I hope that I am not already given away. I would also like to try rozerem, the melatonin agent for sleep. I would hope that that would be very helpful. I should now focus on getting tatttoos and piercings. I think that my life is good the way that it is. Working at the derm is going better now that I know what I am doing. I think now other people will like me more there because they don’t have to worry about me anymore. Perhaps I will keep working there for the time being.
Perhaps to stop taking the venlafaxine I can take it 5 minutes later each day. The beginning to feeling better is eating better on a daily basis. Making sure that I get enough calories and from good sources will help my body run better. The next is exercise which I should do on a daily basis. Good sleep habits are the third piece to the puzzle. Going to bed at the same time every night and getting up at the same time each morning. These will help my physical body function better. On a psychological level, meditation is the most important thing that I can do. On top of that reading and writing every day will help my facilities function well every day. A strict schedule will help me fit everything in and ensure that I get things done every day. Keeping the house clean, that is the most important chore that I can do each week. Maintaining my finances will be something that will keep my stress level down. Self help books might be useful for me.
This could be a good way for me to get in control of my life so that I will be able to save u my medication. For every thirty days that I take medication I will have to have not taken it for two days prior. Maintaining an adequate supply of medications is what I have to do to get myself out of my depression. I have gotten more Adderall, and I have immediately taken four fifteen milligram tablets. I bought Moonlight on iTunes. It is the best movie of the year. If it does not win best picture, best screen play, and best director I will have no more respect for them. Moonlight is the best choice in all those categories. I suppose it is unfair of me to judge the other movies without seeing them, and I am extremely biased towards Moonlight. I identify strongly with Chirone, especially in his teen years because of the bullying that he endures. I just saw that I misspelled Chiron. I know that I do not know what it is like to be picked on because I’m gay. I mean I have been called gay before, but I do not know what it is like to actually be attacked for my sexuality. I just think that they do a very good job of portraying the pain that he goes through, and the feelings of shame that he experiences because of his sexuality and his poverty and his mother’s drug addiction.
And I know that it shouldn’t make a difference but the all black cast is amazing and I think it was a very good decision on the film maker’s part. I also really like the grown up Chiron.
to be continued . . .