Posted in Blog, Nonfiction, Ongoing Story

The Alcohol Cassettes Part Three

The following stories told in the first person were recorded on a cassette tape recorder on the evening of February 11th, 2015 in a local bar. The speaker was a man of medium build, sitting alone, telling these tales to whomever happened to be nearest. The author received permission from both the speaker and the establishment’s owner to record these sagas. The identity of the speaker has never been revealed nor authenticated, and inquiries into such a matter remain inconsequential. As such, they will not be made here.

 

You always get the best seats at the bar during the day. And what most people don’t know, young lady, is that bars serve the best breakfast. True bar owners open early in the day for the old timers like myself that have been out all night drinking and wake up hungover looking for a friendly face to serve us eggs and bacon.

 

You can’t just walk into a Denny’s or IHOP when you are my age, alone, and reaking of liquor and cigarettes. People look at you funny, hide their kids, move to a table further away. Not only does that make me feel bad about myself, but it makes me feel bad for them. So I just rather go somewhere else where everybody is wrestling the aftermath of the night before.

 

And of course, they serve drinks all day here. I can get a screwdriver and three shots of Wild Turkey here, and oh my, young lady, there is no better cure for the hangover blues like a breakfast of eggs and bacon and Wild Turkey chasers.

 

Don’t you go ordering that though, miss. That is only for sad and lonely old men who have given up on themselves. You’ve got a lot to live for young lady, I’m sure of it. Even though I don’t know much about you, I can see from the way you dress and the way you carry yourself that you are successful, and even if you aren’t as successful as you want to be, you are going to be that successful one day no matter what. Anyways, I walk in here, usually around 11 or 12, depending on when my hangover gets so bad that I can’t stay in bed any longer.

 

I hit the bathroom right away, as I’m sure you know that you’ve always got to pee immediately after you get up. After I’ve relieved myself, pardon my french ma’am, I wobble over to the sink and splash some water in my face. Then I look in the mirror, and see how disgusted I am with the man looking back at me this time.

 

And I’m pretty disgusted every time, let me tell you. Anyways, after that I will walk out to the bar, and the owner will come by, set a tall bottle of water next to me, along with some orange juice and Absolut, and three shots of Wild Turkey, as I told you before. I’ll chug the bottle of water in a vain attempt to combat the pounding headache and gruesome body aches that I’m experiencing.

 

That always does nothing, but it does feel good to think that it might. So I keep doing it. Then, with reluctance I turn to the screwdriver, and I chug that as well. That alleviates some of the body aches, but I’m still in a lot of discomfort. I know that the alcohol just makes everything worse, but it does make me feel better in the short term, and isn’t that what we are all after?

 

Feeling better right now?

The following stories told in the first person were recorded on a cassette tape recorder on the evening of February 11th, 2015 in a local bar. The speaker was a man of medium build, sitting alone, telling these tales to whomever happened to be nearest. The author received permission from both the speaker and the establishment’s owner to record these sagas. The identity of the speaker has never been revealed nor authenticated, and inquiries into such a matter remain inconsequential. As such, they will not be made here.

 

I woke up, and the hangover hit me in the head like a freight truck. I stumbled to the bathroom, and caught a glimpse of a neandrethal looking creature staring back at me. I was drooling stupid, and I knew there was no chance of me getting to my finals in the state that I was in.

 

So I started to drink. That was the only logical choice, because otherwise I would have only be able to curl up into a ball for the rest of the day and cry myself to sleep over my failed final exams. That wasn’t gonna happen. No sir, not if I had anything to do about it.

 

I figured I needed to drink enough to overcome the hangover, and then a good deal more to get in the zone for finals. Looking back now, I see that my thinking was even more fucked up hung over than it was drunk. But anyways, I started mixing vodka with whatever pop my roommate left in the fridge, usually diet cherry coke, whatever the fuck that is.

 

I didn’t use the pop for the flavor. I used it to speed up the rate at which I could drink. And diet fucking cherry coke worked just as well as anything would have in that particular situation.

 

I drank one glass, two, three, and four. I figured that I should have one more before I left, to get myself fully prepared to go for the next eight hours without a drink. Man, that was a real shot in the nuts now that I think about it.

 

I’m really ashamed of this next part, and I hope you fine young gentlemen and lady will not judge me too harshly from this story. I hopped in the car, and started driving my drunk ass the 45 minutes East to my college campus, over there on ******** and ********, right over by ***. You know?

 

Yea I was in no condition to be driving, and I knew it. But I did it, followed all the traffic laws and speed limits and made it there. I knew that I had been wasting a lot of time that morning making drinks and trying to find that episode from this show, oh fuck what is the name of it? Well anyways, I was super late by the time that I got there, and I started walking as fast as my drunk legs would carry me.

 

Not a minute into my trek, I had to pee. And the type of pee after you’ve been drinking and drinking for hours and haven’t visited the bathroom the whole time, and then all at once your bladder says “Fuck this!!” you know what I mean?

 

So it was still pretty dark out, and I just whipped out my . . . sorry ma’am, I just started peeing right there in the wide open parking lot. It was early enough that nobody else was there, as far as I was able to see that is.

 

Some poor bastard was probably walking through the parking lot at the same time as me, and oh jesus what a sight I must have been.

 

The drunkest son of a bitch in the world on a Tuesday morning at 6 a.m. whipping out his . . . sorry ma’am . . . urinating in the middle of a parking lot on a college campus.

 

Jesus fucking christ.

The Alcohol Cassettes Part Two

The following stories told in the first person were recorded on a cassette tape recorder on the evening of February 11th, 2015 in a local bar. The speaker was a man of medium build, sitting alone, telling these tales to whomever happened to be nearest. The author received permission from both the speaker and the establishment’s owner to record these sagas. The identity of the speaker has never been revealed nor authenticated, and inquiries into such a matter remain inconsequential. As such, they will not be made here.

 

It was finals week, and I was drinking. And drinking is putting it mildly. I was knocking myself unconscious every night of the week, and then recovering the entire next day. I would wake up and get hit in the face by the looming hang over. I would stumble to the kitchen and chug at least two bottles of water, in the hopes that this would ease the suffering. It never did.

 

I would then grab two ibuprofen from the medicine cupboard, and take them along with my morning medication. I was taking medicine for depression, but I don’t know why because I kept drinking away the benefits every day.

 

I’ve gotten off track. It was finals week, and I had been drinking heavily every night. But it wasn’t a problem at that point, in my mind at least, because it was only at night and nobody could tell what I was doing.

 

So I started drinking in the morning too. I figured I would drink a little, go to class, and by the time the booze was wearing off I would come home and go to sleep. Probably drink some more first, of course, but then pass out. It seemed like a perfect plan, because after all I did not care one bit about how I did on those finals. I was fully expecting to fail the classes anyway, so drinking before having to sit through them seemed like a great plan.

 

Big fucking mistake.

 

I just kept thinking to myself that I would get all my work done that night, I would have a few drinks and it would be a good time. But after I had a few drinks, I really did not want to do any of my work. And that was fine because I was drinking and I felt pretty good.

 

Until the next morning.

The Alcohol Cassettes Part One

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

That was a really eye opening experience to what Adderall can do to your body and to your perception. The pounding heart and chest pain was the most concerning part because i think I was very close to having a heart attack.

 

Or at least that is what I was thinking the entire time. The sleep deprivation was causing additional anxiety on top of that, and the extremely high doses that I had taken was altering my reality, and that was the most terrifying part.

 

It is strange to think that just a change in your perception could be such a scary thing, but I guess that has always been the way I respond to mind-altering drugs. I have always been extremely sensitive to alterations and even the smallest changes cause huge anxiety for me. Any sort of psychoactive drug has caused the same increase in panic.

 

I’m not sure why this is. It probably has something to do with the thought that it will be permanent. I think that that thought is probably highly unlikely and the actual dangers lie in the physiological effects of the drugs.

 

Heart attack is a real threat with the behavior I was guilty of, and that is a very, very serious thing.

 

Obviously I should never, never take that much medication no matter what it is. But that is a recurring problem that I have. It happened with pain meds, anxiety meds, sleep meds, and now ADD meds. It is strange that I would get so much anxiety from changes in perception because it would seem that I am doing all that I can to change it.

 

But I think that it is more of a desire to change how I feel. I always want to feel better and I use whatever I can to do that. My Adderall experience this weekend was terrible, and I have got to be smarter about how I use my medications. If I am going to use this kind of medication I cannot take massive amounts at a time until I run out.

 

That is number one. Number two is that I need to start striving to use the medication for the reason that it is supposed to be used for. That probably goes hand and hand with the first one. These things are easier said than done, but my luck will run out eventually.

 

This body can’t handle that much abuse for that long. Eventually something will give out. ****** has put up with so much shit with me, and that has got to change. She does not deserve it. She deserves better treatment. She deserves more consideration than that. My goal should be each week for my medication to not come up in my way.

 

I shouldn’t bring it up and my behavior should not bring it up, and by that I mean I should not do anything that would cause attention to be dream to my medication. Not so that I can get away with anything but rather to not allow it to be so prominent in our daily lives. Probably it should only come up once a week, maybe every other week. And that includes talking with my doctor and getting refills and things of that nature.

 

My attention is better spent on other things. Every time I run out of medication and resign to not taking it, and when my attention turns to my life things get better, easier, less stressful. It shouldn’t be something that I think about nonstop. Look at how many pages in this notebook that I have filled talking about my medication. No more!!

 

Religion is not a special thing. When you look at a religion from the perspective of it as a way in which people make sense of their lives and the world around them, and not a collection of beliefs and rituals, they become identical to things like culture, ethnic groups, age groups. Any sort of way that people define who they are and who everyone else is. Things that religion creates are, however, identical to the things that are created from ignorance and fear. People do not enjoy not knowing things like who creeated the world, and what happens after they die.

 

They think that they deserve to know what the meaning of their life is. Firstly, why does there have to exist a meaning for life? How does everyone that is living and who has ever lived and who will ever live each have a specialmeaning for their life? Or collectively what is the neccessity for the explanation of consciousness and the special meaning that it has? Whether or not there exists a meaning for life, collectively or individually, it will continue to exist. And with the passage of time, one thing has continued to be true without the least bit of advancement; no one can say with any truth or any certainty what happens when life ends.

 

I guess that is a bad way to word it. No one can say that there is a life that exists after one ends. No one can tell another person the meaning of that person’s life, because it is impossible to know. No, it is impossible to be proven to even exist. How can one person know what existance is like beyond their own?

 

How can they perceive things, truly, beyond their own perception? It is not possible. It is possible to guess, and even very accurately and intelligently, but it is truly impossible to know the experience of anything outside of yourself. And what does that show? That shows that there is no way to empirically prove anything about life from a standpoint of meaning or purpose.

 

to be continued . . .

The Adderall Diaries Part Fifteen

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

This will bring me down in the smoothest way possible. Also in the hopes of not experiencing any really bad feelings assosciated with the comedown. Maybe even some Nyquil will be necessary for me to get to sleep. I hope that I don’t have to do that. It is also the problem who just not wanting to come down. I don’t want to bring an end to this day that I have been having. But it is very urgent that it does end. It is very, very important that it ends. I feel alreaady that I am getting paranoid and not in the best frame of mind. I wonder if eating would help the feelings that I am experiencing. I think is probably what it is because I have gone that long without sleep. But now that I think about it I have been up for twenty eight hours not eighteen like I thought.

 

It has been eighteen hours since I took Adderall for the first time of yesterday / today. It has actually been twenty eight hours since I got up on Friday morning at six in the morning on Saturday. I am not feeling the hottest, and I have to admit that I do want to take more Adderall in the hopes of getting rid of the feelings I am currently experiencing. It’s not actually that bad. Just a lot nervousness, but I am still in control and able to keep myself calm.

 

Maybe I should take the mirtazapine now and start trying to go to sleep, but I am trying to go to sleep, but I am concerned that the Adderall has not worn off enough for it to work. And I think that will stress me out even more than I am already. But I will start looking for the right moment to try and go to sleep. Ultimately that is what has to happen, and the alternative is not really an option at all. That being stay awake until we get home from ******’s mom’s house. That would require me to take an unknown amount of Adderall to stay awake until then, and I can not imagine that I will be feeling any better then, in all reality it will probably be much worse than it is now. But it is not completely off the table. The amount of time that I will need to get to sleep and then to sleep actually, will be more than the amount of time that I have before the family gathering. This could pose a problem for me and I probably won’t get enough sleep.

 

What to do, what to do. I wish that we didn’t have to go tonight. that would make everything much easier. And where am I going to hide this notebook while I sleep? If ****** were to read some of the things in here she would leave me for sure. That is something that I do know for sure. I will probably stay up until then. Or maybe I won’t I most certainly need the sleep to reset my brain function. And that would be very, very bad to not have done by the time we are with her family. I wish I knew what the answer was to make things easiest on myself.

 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know, I don’t know. If I knew that I could get to sleep quickly and get enough to make me feel normal, then I would take the mirtazapine now. But I just don’t know. Well I know that sleep is what my body needs. Its what normal bodies need every night to maintain average functionality for the time that they are awake. I could just take some more Adderall and if that doesn’t fix it then I will make up an excuse to not go tonight. Hopefull I won’t get into too much trouble by doing that and I wouldn’t be able to afford a mistake.

 

The comedown is real and it is rough. I just had the thought that I could be feeling shitty from requip withdrawal, which I did not take last night. I was going to take it when I eventually went to sleep, but considering I never went to sleep and therefore never took my ropinirole last night. I just took it and some Adderall in the hopes of feeling better. I’m only worried now about the nausea from the ropinirole, but I think that it will be bearable.

 

Hopefully it also makes me feel much better, and that improvement is greater than the nausea. I have to remain positive about my predictament. The other thing that I can do is be super stressed out about it and get nowhere while being miserable. For some reason that option does not seem appealing to me. I do already feel a little better I think, maybe it is all in my head but whatever the reason I am glad for the relief.

 

I will have to make sure that I have enough Adderall to make it through tonight. It would not be good if I ran out in the middle of the night.

 

I took way too much Adderall and my heart is pounding and I am extremely out of it mentally. I have to focus on keeping my anxiety down, that will be the best thing right now.

 

That was not a good experience. I have returned to normal, having gotten about three hours of sleep earlier. That was a very scary experience. My heart would not stop pounding and I was very paranoid and extremely nervous, and my perception was very distorted from the sleep deprivation. My anxiety was through the roof. It was a very scary experience.

 

Hopefully it will be what I need to stop completely.

 

to be continued . . .

The Adderall Diaries Part Fourteen

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

And not just how that would affect me, but what that would do to her emotionally. I can’t ever do that to her. I cannot allow myself to do that kind of damage to the woman that I love more than any other person on the planet. If I heard that somebody else was about to hurt her in the way that I am capable of I would kick the shit out of their for even thinking about that. I have to do what I need to do to protect her from me.

 

That is the most important thing that is coming out of the whole situation that I have created. I just need to fucking do what I need to do, plain and simple. It is so fucking simple that millions of people do it every day from all different backgrounds. If so many people are capable of doing this simple thing, then I must also have that same capability. I must have always had it and ignored it to the detriment of me and everyone important in my life.

 

Talk is easy and I have said all these same things before to myself so I can’t ever claim ignorance. I need to actually do what I say that I will and what I know is right. I am the only one to blame and also the only one that can solve this problem. It would be a huge step forward for me in my life, I will cut myself some undeserved slack with the understanding that it is the last time and the promise that things are going to be different. That I am going to make changes, changes that are long overdue and much mucc more than important than anything else that I am doing. Is today going to be the day? Will I be able to stop and get far enough away from my mistakes that I am not in danger of making them again?

 

That is all that it would take. Just one day where I choose to do something different, and then another, and another until I am no longer doing anything different than normal and it becomes the life that I am living. Once I stop for a long enough period of time to get myself jump started on the right track then all that I have to do is wait. Literally do nothing and the problem will shrink and go away completely. Then I can look back at my mistakes and use them as proof to myself and everyone else that things can and will change.

 

That I can change. After that things will get a whole lot simpler, a whole lot faster than I can imagine possible now. I really want everything to be simpler. I want to forget about medications and just live my life. That is the whole reason I abuse the medication in the first place. Because I want things to be simpler and easy, and they provide that readily. There is nothing wrong with wanting life to be simpler.

 

There is even nothing wrong with mistakenly turning to the pills or alcohol to do that. What there is something wrong with is continuing to make the same mistake once you know that it is a mistake. It happens to lots of people, it is not weird or something that nobody understands. It is a series of bad choices that follow that first mistake and just keep on going. The cycle can be broken, it is possible for it to be done so there is no explanation for it not being broken. It is hard initially, or at least from the limited perspective that you have before.

 

But when you look back a the decision that you could have made after it has completely destroyed your life, it will seem like the easiest choice that could ever be made. And that is what it is in fact. I am going to make this change and I am writing it here so that if I don’t I won’t be able to say that I didn’t know. I know. I’ve known for a very long time. Years and probably even a decade of my life. Ever since the first time I lied about being sick to get pills. I just never think about it while I’m doing it. Well even that is not true because I have thought about it before I do it, right before it in fact. And I think about how I don’t care about the consequences and pain that I will eventually cause myself.

 

Only because the euphoria that the pills cause is more fresh in my mind than the pain and shame that I will feel later. Once I’ve started it gets harder and harder to stop, actually nearly impossible for me to stop myself. Like what I am feeling right now. I am firmly under the spell of the Adderall that I have been shovelling in my mouth all night and now into this morning. I don’t know how I can stop and come down from this feeling. This high that I have been chasing and reveling in for the past eighteen hours now. I have not slept at all.

 

I will have to sleep to finish this. That is the solution that is easiest for me. It is a bit of a short cut, but as long as it gets me to the same destination it will ultimately be good for me. I will have to take my mirtazapine to get to sleep, and even that might not be enough. I will have to wait for the Adderall to wear off a lot before taking the mirtazapine and then it will be able to put me to sleep.

 

to be continued . . .

The Adderall Diaries Part Thirteen

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

I will be well set up in all regards; relationship, job, finances and if I can control myself maybe even a little Adderall to save up. That is the important part, to save it, not with the thought that I can take them later, but the thought that I am just going to have them just to have them. That is the position that I need to start finding myself more often in fact most of the time so that it is not just a mad scramble to the next appointment for the next prescription that I gobble down in two days.

 

That is what is going to keep up my appearances the best, keeping everybody at bay and unaware of my true thoughts. Appearances are all that matter. You just have to make it seem completely alright, that everything is going good and you aren’t back in the same trap that you always are. That will keep things flowing without any problems. I don’t know how that is going to work out in real life, but I know that is the smart route for me to take. With my eye on the long game instead of the now game. That is what is going to put on the brakes on my medications again.

 

And this time it could permanently stop the flow. I am running out of new methods to get my hands on what I want. People are going to stop playing my games, and I will be cut off for good, and that will not be good. Really not good. It is also an option for me just to start taking my medication as prescribed rather they as best suited for me at the time. This is the smartest and best choice for me to choose because I do actually feel like I could use the help it provides in my day to day life.

 

The lorazepam probably most importantly of the abused ones. My anxiety is a real hurdle for me. The zolpidem next because I do have a lot of trouble with sleep every night. The Adderall is one that I am not sure that I would need desperately if it were gone. I don’t know really how much it actually helps me in real world situations. I could definitely use the help with studying for the classes that I am gong to start taking. I really need to be successful in those to get my grade point average up to where I want it after I finish up my other two bachelor’s degrees. If I decide to continue on with my education like maybe a Master’s degree or even a law degree or an MBA. I need to get it up to and over the three point o mark, and keep it there from then on. Staying focused on studying is a huge problem for me and from what Adderall is claimed to be good for is just that.

 

I could use it to get me over that last hurdle in my way right now. Taking it only when I am studying would be the important part there. I don’t even know how necessary it would be for me on a day to day basis, taking it twice daily. It probably couldn’t hurt if I use it exactly that way and do not deviate from it for any reason. It is hard for me to take the blame for constantly using up all of my medicine too fast, and by that I mean that I don’t admit that to myself. But it is entirely and completely my fault. I am the one that needs to decide to change if I want things to go in a different direction than they have been.

 

It is always right there in front of me as a solution, but I am too stupid to apply it. It would make things so much less stressful for myself. Not having to think about the medicine all the time, not always planning how to get more, not having to worry about how I am coming off too everyone and if they are on to me. My mind that is constantly on it.

 

It would free up so many more of my abilitieis to use in the way that they should be and that will benefit in more ways than just in terms of the number of pills they can get me. I probably would be amazed at the difference that I would see right away, just like an immediate sense of relief that I didn’t have to think about or worry about it ever again. Just solely the amount of time it would free up would be massive. That alone is worth it and should serve as a push in the right direction. That is almost completely incomprehensible to me because of the huge amount of time and energy that I would now have at my disposal.

 

It would be a game changer for me, exactly the one that I need in my life and for my future. And not just my future but everybody around me. If people didn’t have to worry about me constantly, being able to trust me again, being able to have a conversation with me where medication does not come up. That would be huge. That is probably the best thing I could do for ******, my parents, my friends. And hopefully for the family that ******* and I are going to start together. I almost forgot that it would also let us get started on that right now rather than later when things get better.

 

I don’t think enough about how my choices affect the people around me, and probably more so than myself because at least I am popping pills to make me feel better. They do not have the luxury or even the opportunity to make some of these mistakes in their own lives because they have to think about everyone. ****** is the most important thing in my life, and I am constantly one or two big fuck ups from losing her for good.

 

to be continued . . .

The Adderall Diaries Part Twelve

Posted in Nonfiction, Ongoing Story

The Adderall Diaries Part Eleven

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

I really have no desire to go and hang out with her family on my day off, and I wnat to get out of it if at all possible. The obvious story would be that I didn’t feel good and needed to stay home and rest. This would also probably be the lie that she would most suspect of not being true and get me in trouble with her in addition to having to go or fight with her about it until she gave up. This would be very stressful to me int he long haul, and I would rather just go. Another option is to tell her that I can’t go for some reason, one that I would have to think of like a family thing or that I have to do something else more pressing than go. I would have to be careful to make the reason that I come up with seem legitimate or risk the same fight that happened with the last option.

 

Yet anothe roption would be to tell her the truth and ask for sympathy from her in not having to go. This is a good possibility but would have to be handled delicately to produce the sympathy that I need to avoid going. The risk that would come from not handling it carefully would be the aforementioned fight. Another option would be to actually just go to the dinner and make my compliance a good argument for not being required to stay very long. This is a very good option and the one that is most likely to be successful. However, the price of that success would be doing that which I would rather not. Is that worth it? Probably.

 

I think that I could live with it. The problem arises from me having stayed up all night and maybe not getting all the sleep that I want. And I would get no sympathy from ****** because she would be mad at me for staying up all night. Unless of course I convinced her that I didn’t stay up all night, but just really really late (early?) But I would still probably not get enough sleep and be tired and still have to go to the damn thing.

 

Decisions are hard to make when all of the options involve something unpleasant. But they are made a little easier when that unpleasantness ensures something favorable. I will probably stay up most if not all of the night and convince her that I did not and then I will probably go to her family thing if some escape does not present itself with a great chance of me getting more of what I want. This is not terrible and ****** has definitely done things that she did not want to do so that she could get the same thing that I am after. More time to do the thing that I want. I feel like I have a good case though, I must say, for not being expected to have to go. I work all week and this is one of the two days that get completely to myself. Although, I do have to admit that ******* has just as good of a case for expecting me to go. I wish I didn’t have to go and that she wouldn’t get super pissed at me for staying up all night.

 

Its not hurting anybody or bothering anybody. But whatever I guess. I would be lying if I said I didn’t understand why for both of those things but it doesn’t make it any better for me. I just want to do what I want to do on my time off. That’s it. I don’t think thtat is an unreasonable request. I go to work. I pay the bills. I spend time with ******. All I am asking for is the time that she is already sleeping and won’t notice that I’m gone and a  Saturday night. I don’t even need that completely to myself just not spending it with her family. Nobody likes spending time with their in-laws.

 

So I made it to the other side unscathed. I layed in bed with ****** for a little over two hours. I think that htis will be more than enough time to convince her that I slept last night. I know that she was aware of me being in bed, so no matter what I can say that I did in fact go to bed. And I can defend myself with enough proof that it doesn’t matter what she thinks about how long I slept. I was there and I put in the time. So that can be checked off as a success for me. Now all that is left is to try and get out of going to the family thing later tonight. Maybe I can lay down for a nap later today, which will actually be the first time I slept and of course I will cleep longer than a normal nap. I can then say that I don’t feel good and get out of going completely.

 

That would be the idea, but I think for that to be successful I will need to wait for her to suggest that I don’t go so that it doesn’t seem like I am pushing for that. It will make my whole story more believable. If I play this thing right I will get off completely scott free with the whole ordeal which is better than what I thought a couple of hours ago.

 

Really I think that I have set it up well. At least if I do end up going then I can say that I went and I will be in a very good position to leave relatively early. Maybe that is the smart play. Just to go for a little while and then come home having fulfilled all of my obligations. This will have me in a great position going into the week. There isn’t anything in particular that I am trying to get, but I will be in a good spot when I am later on.

 

to be continued . . .

Posted in Blog, Nonfiction, Ongoing Story

The Adderall Diaries Part Eight

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

I have always wanted to get a picture of John Frusciante tattooed on myself, so I am really looking forward to getting it done. I know two people that have gotten tattoos from **** and they both really liked the tattoos that they got. One girl that I used to work with got a huge tattoo on her back of like a huge cuckoo clock. It is really cool and it makes me way more confident that he will do a good job on any tattoo that I get from him. The other person I know that got a tattoo from this guy is ***** a guy that I used to work with. He got a tattoo of all tese sports teams and his dad’s name after his dad died. It is not the coolest tattoo that I have ever seen, but it is still pretty cool. All in all I feel pretty good about this tattoo as well. I haven’t thought much about which arm I want to get it on, but I’ve got plenty of time to chose. I’m leaning towards left just on my first thoughts on it.

 

Althought I do have a tattoo on the inside of my left arm. I wouldn’t want it to get int he way of the tattoo that I am getting. But I do have to consider that I will have the new tattoo on my right elbow which is probably going to get in the way. It actually way more likely to get in the way than the tattoo on my left arm. Maybe I should get the elbow tattoo on my left arm, saving more space for the John Frusciante tattoo on my right arm. That would also open the opportunity for *** to fix my sparrow tattoo in the same sitting. Maybe that could also save me some money not having to make a second appointment and I wouldn’t have to wait. Definitely something for me to think about.

 

Other tattoos that I would like to get but haven’t made an appointment with anybody to get or made any other steps to get are teh ahimsa hand on my chest, probably the left pectoral. *** would probably do a really good job on a tattoo like that. I also have never met ****, and I have met *** and he is a cool guy. The quote from Romeo and Juliet is pretty easy for anybody to do, so it wouldn’t be that hard to get it done. I’m not sure where I want to get this one, but some places that I have thought of are on my leg, like on my calf. That’s really the only place that I’ve thought about getting it. I don’t really know where else I would get it. I would also like to get the quote from the Road. I have no idea where I would get it. A Daft Punk tattoo is another one, maybe something from Pulp Fiction. The Skrillex symbol that like three bars I would like on the back of my elbow.

 

Or maybe somewhere else because I might want to get both my elbows done by ***. Maybe on my ankle for that one. I would like to get a bunch of tattoos all over. I will also like to get some ear piercings or at least I think that I would like them. I am worried that they would make me look stupid or douchey. That would be the only thing that would keep me from getting them. I should get some like fake earrings to see how they would look. Maybe I should limit the amount I spend on tattoos and things of a cosmetic nature. That would be a good plan no matter what, because I need to be more careful with my money anyway.

 

The biggest drains on my money are eating out at work and books and other things on Amazon. Limited to only $10 a day, I would only spend $140 every two weeks. Obviously I would have to adjust to going grocery shopping maybe once a week, and then not spending money on several days to make up for it. If my paychecks are eight hundred every two weeks, and then I subtract two hundred each paycheck, seventy for my phone bill, thirty for Mediacom and twenty bucks for our rental insurance, that leaves over four hundred for grocery shopping and other expenses each month. Properly budgeted I should have money left over at the end of each pay period. Paying for gas is a priority and I should plan to spend one hundred and twenty dollars a paycheck for it.

 

That leaves about two hundred and sixty for food. Still, properly budgeted, I should have money left over each paycheck. That is a good goal to have and to limit my excess spending. Each paycheck should last me the entire two weeks, and I shouldn’t have to borrow anymore from my mom or ******. I also shouldn’t have to be completely broke for days because I wasted all my money on Amazon and food from Whole Foods. I have more than enough books to keep me occupied for many, many months without getting bored. Also, bringing my lunch to work will be good for my health and stress of having to leave for food. First, I think I want to work on my Vincent Bugliosi books about John F. Kennedy assassination which are both really long. I also need to manage my time better, doing chores arond the apartment to keep it from getting out of control. I need to start working out again, every day. This will help with my anxiety and depression and just my overall wellbeing.

 

to be continued . . .

Posted in Blog, Nonfiction, Ongoing Story

The Adderall Diaries Part Seven

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

Just because he is so gangster. I think that it does show the conflict that he must have gone through having hidden his true self for so long, and having tried so hard to show other people that he is tough and not vunerable. And then to thave his true self and feelings come back into the front and center of his ife. But I digress. Arrival was also a very good movie, and I think that it should definitely win best score. The soundtrack in that movie was amazing. But it is going up against Moonlight for best adapted screenplay, so I cannot pick it for that category.

 

The only other movie that I have a strong opinion sbout is Hell or High Water. That would be my favorite in original screenplay. I hope that Kubo and the Two Strings wins best animated feature film. I didn’t get a chance to watch it but from the previews that I saw I think I would have liked it a lot.

 

I just want Moonlight to win as many awards as possible because it deserves too. And while I don’t think that La La Land was a bad movie in any regard, I do not think that it should be getting as much attention as it is. I thought Whiplash was a much better movie, and it really is a shame that it didn’t get as much attention as La La Land is getting. I am glad that J. K. Simmons won best supporting actor for it, but it was tragically underappreciated.

 

Which is what I am worried about happening with Moonlight. I think they might just give it one award and think that that is enough. That is what is unfortunate about using awards as competitions. That causes movies that are amazing to lose out on recognition just because there was another movie that was equally just as good and got more votes. But that is what society has to do with everything. Pick which is best over all the others instead of what is best among all of them. Competition is very overrated. It does push people to better themselves in ways that they wouldn’t have otherwise, but for the wrong reasons and to the wrong end.

 

I wonder when ****** is going to wake up. She has been sleeping since I got home. I think that we could go to Spring Awakening. I think that it would be fun. I would like to go to a festival again. It has been a very long time since I have been to a festival. All I am trying to do is find out my Kay jewelers account number. I am on hold and have to keep listening to the same advertisement for amethyst.

 

I finally was able to get through to someone, and she was very nice and helpful. I was able to get my account number and register my account online. I also was able to update my mailing address, which I did not know was incorrect to begin with. But Kay had gotten some return mail that they had tried to send to me. I gave them the coreect address, which was missing my apartment number. After I got the account updated I was able to make a paymentand bring my account up to date. It was only for $85 for the minimum payment, and now I don’t have to worry about being late on my payments. Once I get my tax refund I am going to completely pay off the ring and that will be that.

 

With the rest of the money from my return I am going to pay for my tattoo, which I am getting on March 3. That will cost about two hundred or three hundred dollars according to the guy who is going to do the tattoo. His name is *** ***** and his work is really good. He does mandalas, which are really cool designs that are intricate shapes with a bunch of complex patterns. I am getting the tattoo on my elbow. I haven’t chosen which elbox I was going to get it on, but the more I think about it the more I think I am going to get it on my right elbow. I already have two tatttoos on my left arm, and I don’t want those two to get in to the way of the new one.

 

I’ve just got the one tattoo on my right arm, so I think there will be more than enough space for the new tattoo. I’m thinking about having *** redo my sparrow tattoo also, because I am a little disappointed in it. I’m not sure how much that would cost but I don’t think it will be more than the tattoo on my elbow. I’m also getting another tattoo from a different artist I think in Augusut or September. His name is ****** ****** I think. I’m not certain that is his last name, but I know that is his first name. He works at **** ***** Tattoo, which is another shop here in Des Moines. I do really like the artwork that he does, but I’m a little pt off with how long it takes to get in to get a tattoo done by him. Maybe that is for the best, because it gives me more time to think about it and to save up enough money to pay for it without going broke. I am planning on having him do a half sleeve portrait of John Frusciante from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The guy does really cool like cartoon style pictures of people. I don’t know if any of the pictures online of tattoos that he has already done are pictures f actual people, but they are still really cool and I think that it will look awesome.

 

to be continued . . .