He thought a lot about how much he wanted to be free to do whatever he wanted. He didn’t want to live by other people’s rules anymore. They were always telling him what to do, what not to do. Why did they care so much? Why couldn’t they mind their own business? He wasn’t hurting them at all. They just kept him from doing things because they didn’t want him to have any fun.

 

They didn’t want him to feel good. That was all it was. He wanted to do what made him feel good. Is that too much for anybody to ask? Hedonism is natural to the human being. Seeking out what is pleasurable is what people do normally. It’s how humans evolved, isn’t it? That is how the human species has flourished, by seeking out what is pleasurable and avoiding that which is painful. It’s biology.

 

And more to the point it was his life!!! He could do with his own life whatever he wanted. They were just keeping him from being his own person.

 

But he knew that that wasn’t the case at all. He knew that he wasn’t striving to be free. He was striving to be enslaved. Ever ruled by his addictions, catering to their needs for the rest of his life. It is one of the greatest ironies of life in the modern age that things which bring the greatest physical pleasure most assuredly cause the most pain in it’s aftermath.

 

And this was a pain that he was very familiar with. He knew when to expect, how long he had to wait. And yet he kept going back for more. Always coming back for more. That doesn’t sound like freedom. That doesn’t look like freedom. That looks like a man that has been beaten and imprisoned by his own doing, serving a chemical master whose bark is worse than his bite.

 

Those he said were trying to keep him from freedom were actually trying to save him from servitude. He twisted their actions to fit into his scheme of things. He had to make an excuse for his behavior, because otherwise he had to admit that he was a bit insane. Not by any fault of his own, but by the fault of the chemicals that he used to poison himself.

 

They were the rationale ones and he knew it. But he couldn’t admit it to himself without admitting that he had to let the chemcials go. He had to forever banish them from his life, never to return. For he knew that one single wiff of their scent would send him tumbling back down the rabbit hole.

 

That wasn’t freedom.

Being free

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

This will bring me down in the smoothest way possible. Also in the hopes of not experiencing any really bad feelings assosciated with the comedown. Maybe even some Nyquil will be necessary for me to get to sleep. I hope that I don’t have to do that. It is also the problem who just not wanting to come down. I don’t want to bring an end to this day that I have been having. But it is very urgent that it does end. It is very, very important that it ends. I feel alreaady that I am getting paranoid and not in the best frame of mind. I wonder if eating would help the feelings that I am experiencing. I think is probably what it is because I have gone that long without sleep. But now that I think about it I have been up for twenty eight hours not eighteen like I thought.

 

It has been eighteen hours since I took Adderall for the first time of yesterday / today. It has actually been twenty eight hours since I got up on Friday morning at six in the morning on Saturday. I am not feeling the hottest, and I have to admit that I do want to take more Adderall in the hopes of getting rid of the feelings I am currently experiencing. It’s not actually that bad. Just a lot nervousness, but I am still in control and able to keep myself calm.

 

Maybe I should take the mirtazapine now and start trying to go to sleep, but I am trying to go to sleep, but I am concerned that the Adderall has not worn off enough for it to work. And I think that will stress me out even more than I am already. But I will start looking for the right moment to try and go to sleep. Ultimately that is what has to happen, and the alternative is not really an option at all. That being stay awake until we get home from ******’s mom’s house. That would require me to take an unknown amount of Adderall to stay awake until then, and I can not imagine that I will be feeling any better then, in all reality it will probably be much worse than it is now. But it is not completely off the table. The amount of time that I will need to get to sleep and then to sleep actually, will be more than the amount of time that I have before the family gathering. This could pose a problem for me and I probably won’t get enough sleep.

 

What to do, what to do. I wish that we didn’t have to go tonight. that would make everything much easier. And where am I going to hide this notebook while I sleep? If ****** were to read some of the things in here she would leave me for sure. That is something that I do know for sure. I will probably stay up until then. Or maybe I won’t I most certainly need the sleep to reset my brain function. And that would be very, very bad to not have done by the time we are with her family. I wish I knew what the answer was to make things easiest on myself.

 

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know, I don’t know. If I knew that I could get to sleep quickly and get enough to make me feel normal, then I would take the mirtazapine now. But I just don’t know. Well I know that sleep is what my body needs. Its what normal bodies need every night to maintain average functionality for the time that they are awake. I could just take some more Adderall and if that doesn’t fix it then I will make up an excuse to not go tonight. Hopefull I won’t get into too much trouble by doing that and I wouldn’t be able to afford a mistake.

 

The comedown is real and it is rough. I just had the thought that I could be feeling shitty from requip withdrawal, which I did not take last night. I was going to take it when I eventually went to sleep, but considering I never went to sleep and therefore never took my ropinirole last night. I just took it and some Adderall in the hopes of feeling better. I’m only worried now about the nausea from the ropinirole, but I think that it will be bearable.

 

Hopefully it also makes me feel much better, and that improvement is greater than the nausea. I have to remain positive about my predictament. The other thing that I can do is be super stressed out about it and get nowhere while being miserable. For some reason that option does not seem appealing to me. I do already feel a little better I think, maybe it is all in my head but whatever the reason I am glad for the relief.

 

I will have to make sure that I have enough Adderall to make it through tonight. It would not be good if I ran out in the middle of the night.

 

I took way too much Adderall and my heart is pounding and I am extremely out of it mentally. I have to focus on keeping my anxiety down, that will be the best thing right now.

 

That was not a good experience. I have returned to normal, having gotten about three hours of sleep earlier. That was a very scary experience. My heart would not stop pounding and I was very paranoid and extremely nervous, and my perception was very distorted from the sleep deprivation. My anxiety was through the roof. It was a very scary experience.

 

Hopefully it will be what I need to stop completely.

 

to be continued . . .

The Adderall Diaries Part Fourteen

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

And not just how that would affect me, but what that would do to her emotionally. I can’t ever do that to her. I cannot allow myself to do that kind of damage to the woman that I love more than any other person on the planet. If I heard that somebody else was about to hurt her in the way that I am capable of I would kick the shit out of their for even thinking about that. I have to do what I need to do to protect her from me.

 

That is the most important thing that is coming out of the whole situation that I have created. I just need to fucking do what I need to do, plain and simple. It is so fucking simple that millions of people do it every day from all different backgrounds. If so many people are capable of doing this simple thing, then I must also have that same capability. I must have always had it and ignored it to the detriment of me and everyone important in my life.

 

Talk is easy and I have said all these same things before to myself so I can’t ever claim ignorance. I need to actually do what I say that I will and what I know is right. I am the only one to blame and also the only one that can solve this problem. It would be a huge step forward for me in my life, I will cut myself some undeserved slack with the understanding that it is the last time and the promise that things are going to be different. That I am going to make changes, changes that are long overdue and much mucc more than important than anything else that I am doing. Is today going to be the day? Will I be able to stop and get far enough away from my mistakes that I am not in danger of making them again?

 

That is all that it would take. Just one day where I choose to do something different, and then another, and another until I am no longer doing anything different than normal and it becomes the life that I am living. Once I stop for a long enough period of time to get myself jump started on the right track then all that I have to do is wait. Literally do nothing and the problem will shrink and go away completely. Then I can look back at my mistakes and use them as proof to myself and everyone else that things can and will change.

 

That I can change. After that things will get a whole lot simpler, a whole lot faster than I can imagine possible now. I really want everything to be simpler. I want to forget about medications and just live my life. That is the whole reason I abuse the medication in the first place. Because I want things to be simpler and easy, and they provide that readily. There is nothing wrong with wanting life to be simpler.

 

There is even nothing wrong with mistakenly turning to the pills or alcohol to do that. What there is something wrong with is continuing to make the same mistake once you know that it is a mistake. It happens to lots of people, it is not weird or something that nobody understands. It is a series of bad choices that follow that first mistake and just keep on going. The cycle can be broken, it is possible for it to be done so there is no explanation for it not being broken. It is hard initially, or at least from the limited perspective that you have before.

 

But when you look back a the decision that you could have made after it has completely destroyed your life, it will seem like the easiest choice that could ever be made. And that is what it is in fact. I am going to make this change and I am writing it here so that if I don’t I won’t be able to say that I didn’t know. I know. I’ve known for a very long time. Years and probably even a decade of my life. Ever since the first time I lied about being sick to get pills. I just never think about it while I’m doing it. Well even that is not true because I have thought about it before I do it, right before it in fact. And I think about how I don’t care about the consequences and pain that I will eventually cause myself.

 

Only because the euphoria that the pills cause is more fresh in my mind than the pain and shame that I will feel later. Once I’ve started it gets harder and harder to stop, actually nearly impossible for me to stop myself. Like what I am feeling right now. I am firmly under the spell of the Adderall that I have been shovelling in my mouth all night and now into this morning. I don’t know how I can stop and come down from this feeling. This high that I have been chasing and reveling in for the past eighteen hours now. I have not slept at all.

 

I will have to sleep to finish this. That is the solution that is easiest for me. It is a bit of a short cut, but as long as it gets me to the same destination it will ultimately be good for me. I will have to take my mirtazapine to get to sleep, and even that might not be enough. I will have to wait for the Adderall to wear off a lot before taking the mirtazapine and then it will be able to put me to sleep.

 

to be continued . . .

The Adderall Diaries Part Thirteen

Posted in Short Stories

Being alone

He sat at the edge of his couch. He flicked through the channels of the television, not really paying attention to what was on each of them, just flicking until he decided to stop. He had no idea what he stopped on, but he didn’t really care to begin with. He just wanted to have something on in the background.

 

He set the remote down on the floor next to him. He picked up his notebook and pen and put them on his leg. What was he going to write about? He didn’t know. He didn’t even know if he really wanted to write anything. But he knew that if he was writing something he wasn’t taking something.

 

He wanted too. He really wanted too. It would make whatever was on the television so much more interesting. It would make life in general so much more interesting. But he knew he didn’t need interesting. He needed boring and mundane.

 

That was what he had been running away from for so long. Boredom. He didn’t know how to be bored. He didn’t know how to entertain himself when nothing else was. He couldn’t find things to do by himself other than taking pills or drinking. And that was the entire problem right there. He hadn’t ever learned how to be bored.

 

He always had to feel good. He had never entertained the idea that he should be sad or he should be angry or he should be bored. That was impossible. Being sad or angry or bored felt so bad. He did not like any of those things, and because he didn’t enjoy them he shouldn’t have to experience them ever.

 

At last he had finally found the cause of all his problems. He knew that it wasn’t the addictive quality of those substances. Millions of people all over the world used the same substances and many of them had no problems. It wasn’t other people not understanding his suffering or not listening to him. And probably most importantly it wasn’t part of another disease of some sort. A disease that needed to be treated and suppressed with drugs.

 

It was the inability to be alone. To be by himself. He was scared of himself. He didn’t know what he would say to himself, how he would entertain himself. But that was only because he had never practiced it. He had never invited loneliness into himself to see how he would deal with it. He raced away from it in search of a cure. But loneliness isn’t something that needs to be solved or cured. It just needs to be felt. And that’s it.

 

That’s it.

Having hope is such a stressful endeavor. How can a person get up each and every day and not think that things are going really bad? Just look at the news. This guy said that thing to this girl, or this country is disrespecting that country by doing this. Meanwhile the people that are actually suffering get dismissed with a soundbite. An honorable mention. And then it’s on to the next.

 

The next tragedy, the next catastrophe, the next disaster. There always has to be one. Even if one just happened and the fallout from it is still being felt, there has to be a new one. There has to be something constantly going wrong. Something that is so important that it needs you complete and undivided attention, for the moment anyway.

 

And don’t even think about paying any mind to the things going on in your own life. Your suffering is nothing compared to the rest of the world. Which, in honesty, is true. But it does not seem that way when you are experiencing that suffering. And it shouldn’t be diminished just because it isn’t as bad as something else. There will always be something that is worse happening somewhere in the world. But the life that you are living is also just that, your life. It deserves just as much attention as anything else.

 

Qualifying that last statement, it deserves just as much attention without completely taking over your focus. Just because you have problems doesn’t mean that the entire world needs to stop until you resolve them. Be aware of what is going on in other people’s lives too. Chances are that they will really appreciate you showing support, and will in all likelihood show you the same.

 

But alas, I have gotten far off topic. I don’t mean to tell anybody what to do or how they should live their life. I have just found that this is the way that I should live my own life. I have for too long either been too focused on my own stuff to notice that stuff happens to other people too, or too focused on the tragedies that occur daily throughout the world to notice that my own life is falling to pieces right in front of me.

 

Balance is key if you are to have hope. You have to keep your life balanced with the lives of the rest of the world. There cannot only be optimism. There must also be pessimism. A person cannot be expected to find the best possible outlook in every sinlge situation. That is a symptom of sociopathy. If you only experience one emotion, you really aren’t experiencing any at all.

 

Bad things happen. So do good things. And they happen to everyone. No matter what. So take the good with the bad, and help others do the same. When you suffer alone, you do just that. Suffer. Alone. That’s not fun and there is not a lot of room for optimism. But when you tell someone about your suffering, you aren’t just making them suffer as well. You are opening up the possibility of optimism.

 

I don’t know if any of this makes any sense, but I just wanted to write it all out. For myself. And I imagine that if it doesn’t make sense, people won’t read it. I could not ask for anything more. After all, this is a blog and I am the author of it. So my opinion must assuredly must come out at some point or another.

 

Any thoughts? Feelings? Please feel free to comment. I’m up for discussion on any of this.

Optimism in Retrograde

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

I will be well set up in all regards; relationship, job, finances and if I can control myself maybe even a little Adderall to save up. That is the important part, to save it, not with the thought that I can take them later, but the thought that I am just going to have them just to have them. That is the position that I need to start finding myself more often in fact most of the time so that it is not just a mad scramble to the next appointment for the next prescription that I gobble down in two days.

 

That is what is going to keep up my appearances the best, keeping everybody at bay and unaware of my true thoughts. Appearances are all that matter. You just have to make it seem completely alright, that everything is going good and you aren’t back in the same trap that you always are. That will keep things flowing without any problems. I don’t know how that is going to work out in real life, but I know that is the smart route for me to take. With my eye on the long game instead of the now game. That is what is going to put on the brakes on my medications again.

 

And this time it could permanently stop the flow. I am running out of new methods to get my hands on what I want. People are going to stop playing my games, and I will be cut off for good, and that will not be good. Really not good. It is also an option for me just to start taking my medication as prescribed rather they as best suited for me at the time. This is the smartest and best choice for me to choose because I do actually feel like I could use the help it provides in my day to day life.

 

The lorazepam probably most importantly of the abused ones. My anxiety is a real hurdle for me. The zolpidem next because I do have a lot of trouble with sleep every night. The Adderall is one that I am not sure that I would need desperately if it were gone. I don’t know really how much it actually helps me in real world situations. I could definitely use the help with studying for the classes that I am gong to start taking. I really need to be successful in those to get my grade point average up to where I want it after I finish up my other two bachelor’s degrees. If I decide to continue on with my education like maybe a Master’s degree or even a law degree or an MBA. I need to get it up to and over the three point o mark, and keep it there from then on. Staying focused on studying is a huge problem for me and from what Adderall is claimed to be good for is just that.

 

I could use it to get me over that last hurdle in my way right now. Taking it only when I am studying would be the important part there. I don’t even know how necessary it would be for me on a day to day basis, taking it twice daily. It probably couldn’t hurt if I use it exactly that way and do not deviate from it for any reason. It is hard for me to take the blame for constantly using up all of my medicine too fast, and by that I mean that I don’t admit that to myself. But it is entirely and completely my fault. I am the one that needs to decide to change if I want things to go in a different direction than they have been.

 

It is always right there in front of me as a solution, but I am too stupid to apply it. It would make things so much less stressful for myself. Not having to think about the medicine all the time, not always planning how to get more, not having to worry about how I am coming off too everyone and if they are on to me. My mind that is constantly on it.

 

It would free up so many more of my abilitieis to use in the way that they should be and that will benefit in more ways than just in terms of the number of pills they can get me. I probably would be amazed at the difference that I would see right away, just like an immediate sense of relief that I didn’t have to think about or worry about it ever again. Just solely the amount of time it would free up would be massive. That alone is worth it and should serve as a push in the right direction. That is almost completely incomprehensible to me because of the huge amount of time and energy that I would now have at my disposal.

 

It would be a game changer for me, exactly the one that I need in my life and for my future. And not just my future but everybody around me. If people didn’t have to worry about me constantly, being able to trust me again, being able to have a conversation with me where medication does not come up. That would be huge. That is probably the best thing I could do for ******, my parents, my friends. And hopefully for the family that ******* and I are going to start together. I almost forgot that it would also let us get started on that right now rather than later when things get better.

 

I don’t think enough about how my choices affect the people around me, and probably more so than myself because at least I am popping pills to make me feel better. They do not have the luxury or even the opportunity to make some of these mistakes in their own lives because they have to think about everyone. ****** is the most important thing in my life, and I am constantly one or two big fuck ups from losing her for good.

 

to be continued . . .

The Adderall Diaries Part Twelve

Posted in Nonfiction, Ongoing Story

The Adderall Diaries Part Eleven

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

I really have no desire to go and hang out with her family on my day off, and I wnat to get out of it if at all possible. The obvious story would be that I didn’t feel good and needed to stay home and rest. This would also probably be the lie that she would most suspect of not being true and get me in trouble with her in addition to having to go or fight with her about it until she gave up. This would be very stressful to me int he long haul, and I would rather just go. Another option is to tell her that I can’t go for some reason, one that I would have to think of like a family thing or that I have to do something else more pressing than go. I would have to be careful to make the reason that I come up with seem legitimate or risk the same fight that happened with the last option.

 

Yet anothe roption would be to tell her the truth and ask for sympathy from her in not having to go. This is a good possibility but would have to be handled delicately to produce the sympathy that I need to avoid going. The risk that would come from not handling it carefully would be the aforementioned fight. Another option would be to actually just go to the dinner and make my compliance a good argument for not being required to stay very long. This is a very good option and the one that is most likely to be successful. However, the price of that success would be doing that which I would rather not. Is that worth it? Probably.

 

I think that I could live with it. The problem arises from me having stayed up all night and maybe not getting all the sleep that I want. And I would get no sympathy from ****** because she would be mad at me for staying up all night. Unless of course I convinced her that I didn’t stay up all night, but just really really late (early?) But I would still probably not get enough sleep and be tired and still have to go to the damn thing.

 

Decisions are hard to make when all of the options involve something unpleasant. But they are made a little easier when that unpleasantness ensures something favorable. I will probably stay up most if not all of the night and convince her that I did not and then I will probably go to her family thing if some escape does not present itself with a great chance of me getting more of what I want. This is not terrible and ****** has definitely done things that she did not want to do so that she could get the same thing that I am after. More time to do the thing that I want. I feel like I have a good case though, I must say, for not being expected to have to go. I work all week and this is one of the two days that get completely to myself. Although, I do have to admit that ******* has just as good of a case for expecting me to go. I wish I didn’t have to go and that she wouldn’t get super pissed at me for staying up all night.

 

Its not hurting anybody or bothering anybody. But whatever I guess. I would be lying if I said I didn’t understand why for both of those things but it doesn’t make it any better for me. I just want to do what I want to do on my time off. That’s it. I don’t think thtat is an unreasonable request. I go to work. I pay the bills. I spend time with ******. All I am asking for is the time that she is already sleeping and won’t notice that I’m gone and a  Saturday night. I don’t even need that completely to myself just not spending it with her family. Nobody likes spending time with their in-laws.

 

So I made it to the other side unscathed. I layed in bed with ****** for a little over two hours. I think that htis will be more than enough time to convince her that I slept last night. I know that she was aware of me being in bed, so no matter what I can say that I did in fact go to bed. And I can defend myself with enough proof that it doesn’t matter what she thinks about how long I slept. I was there and I put in the time. So that can be checked off as a success for me. Now all that is left is to try and get out of going to the family thing later tonight. Maybe I can lay down for a nap later today, which will actually be the first time I slept and of course I will cleep longer than a normal nap. I can then say that I don’t feel good and get out of going completely.

 

That would be the idea, but I think for that to be successful I will need to wait for her to suggest that I don’t go so that it doesn’t seem like I am pushing for that. It will make my whole story more believable. If I play this thing right I will get off completely scott free with the whole ordeal which is better than what I thought a couple of hours ago.

 

Really I think that I have set it up well. At least if I do end up going then I can say that I went and I will be in a very good position to leave relatively early. Maybe that is the smart play. Just to go for a little while and then come home having fulfilled all of my obligations. This will have me in a great position going into the week. There isn’t anything in particular that I am trying to get, but I will be in a good spot when I am later on.

 

to be continued . . .

Posted in Uncategorized

The Adderall Diaries Part Ten

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

For one knows their life for many moments throughout their being as the very essense of life itself, it is completely incomparable to death. Its exact and complete counterpoint. This is not to say that death should be strived for and pursued to the abandonment of life, but that it be seen as the incomparable and indescribable event that it is. It is not something that is to be feared, but rather something that can be completely forgotten about up until its occurance, and as surely as it will still arrive it can be embraced.

 

Thinking about death is an endless vacuum that eats up the mind. And to what purpose? It will still come at the time and manner of its own choosing, not yours. Nonexistance can only be understood through existance and since awareness is only present in the latter, it follows that to completely understand and appreciate death, one must live as much and as fully as they can. This is a bit redundant to say that someone must live as fully as they can since they are already doing that unintentionally.

 

Life is beautiful and intricate and complex and simple, and ugly and wonderful and terrible. All at the same time. And since life is the reverse image of death, all of the same paradoxes are true about it. There does not need to be anything more, or any further explination. No life after death is necessary. Nor should it be seen as preferable, because if there is life after death, there is in fact no death. And if there is no death, there can never be life.

 

So enjoy this life. This here, now. And enjoy without apprehension of what is to come, because it will arrive without hate, without malice, not having come to you unfairly or without consideration. It will end, just as it has been. And the only thing that can be changed is how you perceive it as being.

 

So smile, be happy and rest easy knowing that you are experiencing this moment as no one has ever experienced it or will ever experience it. It does not matter that you will never be remembered or considered given enough time. Because your life and your death are completely unique and will never be replicated or repeated anywhere ever. And in their uniqueness they are also self-consuming and will not produce anything that is not taken away. Once.

 

This moment happens only once ever, in all of eternity. Rejoice in that fact and live. Because there is nothing else, and there will be nothing else. It is not without day that you can know what night is. Not without hot that you can know cold. Not without pleasure, pain. You don’t have to worry about anything. It is all taken care of. It is an all inclusive package. Your life will go on with nothing being required on your part. You can literally do nothing and your life will come to you.

 

And you don’t have to concern yourself with death because it will be delivered to you in just the right amount of time. No charge for convenience. It is really a spectacle that all this can go on with no effort from anybody. You will live as long as you need too, and you will die when you are ready too, and not a minute before. Isn’t that a relief?

 

To know that you are guranteed enough time to completely live your life and when you are done it will be only after you are finished. No one can take this time way from you, or give you more. Nor should you want them too, because that would ensure that you can’t be guranteed enough time as there will always be more that you could have had. And no other way is there to ensure that you will not be finished when your life is done living, because someone can always take your time away. Do you know when you will be done, or that you will for sure have enough time? How can you when you won’t be sure until you have gotten just the right amount of time, and you won’t be finished until you have reached the end.

 

With these unknowalbe things comes the certainty that you will never know them, until of course you do know them. At which point there are no longer unknowalbe to you. So who gives a shit? Do whatever you want to do, because that is the exact answer to thte question of if you will continue to want it.

 

I have been up writing this for almost the entire night. And what difference will it have made? I will never have not done it, so there is no alternative outcome to it. It is what it is, because it is, and it is hwat it was because it was, and it was because it was never any other way. I’m dropping some facts on you mother fuckers. But you already knew everything that I have told you because I told you everything that you know.

 

This could go on forever and would be completely stupid on my part. I think that I have made my case, and now I will rest it. I’m not quite sure how I am going to convince ****** that I didn’t stay up all night. Once option is to go to bed and live to fight another day. Another option is to make her think that I went to bed and just got up before her. This, I think, would be relatively simple. I just have to go in and lay with her for a while and then tell her tomorrow that I slept and use that as proof. Very sneaky indeed. Tricky though.

 

And even trickier will be figuring out how to get out of going to her family thing tomorrow night.

 

to be continued . . .

Posted in Uncategorized

The Adderall Diaries Part Nine

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

Sleeping better is going ot be really important too. Going to bed at the same time every night and getting up at the same time every morning will go a long way towards making me feel better every day. Drinking plenty of water and not as much pop, if any at all. I also have to stop eating candy, but that goes together with not spending money so recklessly. This will help me feel better even when I do not have any medication to take. Which goes completely against the plans that I made yesterday night, but after tonight I don’t know if is possible. My plan was to get my medication and then not take it for two months so that I can build up a reserve that I don’t ever look desperate when I run out.

 

Because I would never run out. That was theentire point, but prhaps no literally  I underestimated my desire to take my medication. I am estimating that I took twelve or sixteen of the total sixty that I got today. That is the amount for eight days. That would mean based on my plan yesterday, I have to go sixteen days without taking any medication to make up for it. That would catch me back up to my plan. It is possible to catch up, but it will be extremelu difficult and I cannot underestimate my desire again. It will just take a couple of really difficult months and then I would never have to do it again.

 

Medication is not what is going to provide me lasting happiness. It is only going to provide me short term benefits, which is extremely enjoyable, but none the less short. How I overcome these addictions is still a mystery. Perhaps I will never overcome it. Always seeking medication that I don’t have. Even right now I have no desire to quit, not seriously anyway. Would it be better to live with this demon and allow it to have what it wants? Will my luck run out eventually and I overdose? Overdose and leave ****** without a husband, my parents without a son, my sisters without a brother? Probably most importantly; am I willing to give up my life to this thing? Not only in the sense of having it control everything that I do but also my physical presence on this Earth?

 

I have thought about death a lot and it is something that I am still not completely comfortable with as the only thing about which I can be certain of in my future. From the day every single person was born, they are guranteed the same single, solitary certainty of how their life will eventually lead too. Even though everyone knows that they will inevitably die, cease to be, give up there life in payment for it’s very self. For to live is to die, one cannot go without the other, no matter how hard you try.

 

But death is also an extraordinary event, as it comes down to one moment that you are here and the following moment that you are not. You do not get more than one death, no matter how many lives you live. And with every death you can be comforted by only the fact that time will keep moving, people will continue living their lives, and that eventually every memory of you or mark that you left will be forgotten. Eventually, nobody will know that you lived or that you died. Most see this as a cold and harsh perspective on life, but there is one redeeming facet of this perspective. It is true.

 

It will always be true, as it has always been true. The universe does not experience time and aging as we do, as life does. It is unending. Or as unending as anyone can claim anything is. For based on the facts that anybody has available to them in their existance, one could reasonable determine that the universe does not exist outside of their experiencing it. But which thought is more frightening? The idea that you will die and be completely forgotten or that the entire universe and the lives of all others exist solely when we are aware of them?

 

That the world with all of its subtlety and complexity ceases to be every time we go to sleep? And this would also be the thought of who created this galaxy among galaxies for us? And perhaps more sinisterly, why would they do this? Perhaps there is no agency behind this action, and everything simply disappears when we leave awareness, no matter how briefly.

 

Every time that you are not paying attention, everything stops and doesn’t exist anymore. And then when your focus returns, everything reappears as if it were never gone. No matter with how much sarcasm I word this second possibility, it is just as likely as the next and nobody can ever disprove it, no matter how hard they try.

 

But in this scenario, death is still present and unavoidable. One of the times that you aren’t paying attention the universe is going to go away and it will decide never to come back into existance for you. Truth has the annoying habit of being inescapable. Just as noone can tell you for a fact that there is any consciousness outside of your own, you cannot convince them that yours exists outside of theirs. It is a beautiful dilema, and one that teaches as much as it decieves.

 

But to turn back to death, the finality of being, and its presence in the minds of everyone. Death can only exist as an idea until someone experiences it for themselves, and because death can only be experienced once by that person and then their experience is terminated irreevocably it is more of a gift than life is.

 

to be continued . . .

Posted in Blog, Nonfiction, Ongoing Story

The Adderall Diaries Part Eight

(The following story is duplicated here verebatim from a handwritten journal. The journal is a blue composition journal, college-ruled, and Staples brand. The author of the journal is in the throws of a euphoric and dysphoric addiction with adderall. Speculation as to the author’s identity is intriguing, but better left discovered somewhere else)

 

I have always wanted to get a picture of John Frusciante tattooed on myself, so I am really looking forward to getting it done. I know two people that have gotten tattoos from **** and they both really liked the tattoos that they got. One girl that I used to work with got a huge tattoo on her back of like a huge cuckoo clock. It is really cool and it makes me way more confident that he will do a good job on any tattoo that I get from him. The other person I know that got a tattoo from this guy is ***** a guy that I used to work with. He got a tattoo of all tese sports teams and his dad’s name after his dad died. It is not the coolest tattoo that I have ever seen, but it is still pretty cool. All in all I feel pretty good about this tattoo as well. I haven’t thought much about which arm I want to get it on, but I’ve got plenty of time to chose. I’m leaning towards left just on my first thoughts on it.

 

Althought I do have a tattoo on the inside of my left arm. I wouldn’t want it to get int he way of the tattoo that I am getting. But I do have to consider that I will have the new tattoo on my right elbow which is probably going to get in the way. It actually way more likely to get in the way than the tattoo on my left arm. Maybe I should get the elbow tattoo on my left arm, saving more space for the John Frusciante tattoo on my right arm. That would also open the opportunity for *** to fix my sparrow tattoo in the same sitting. Maybe that could also save me some money not having to make a second appointment and I wouldn’t have to wait. Definitely something for me to think about.

 

Other tattoos that I would like to get but haven’t made an appointment with anybody to get or made any other steps to get are teh ahimsa hand on my chest, probably the left pectoral. *** would probably do a really good job on a tattoo like that. I also have never met ****, and I have met *** and he is a cool guy. The quote from Romeo and Juliet is pretty easy for anybody to do, so it wouldn’t be that hard to get it done. I’m not sure where I want to get this one, but some places that I have thought of are on my leg, like on my calf. That’s really the only place that I’ve thought about getting it. I don’t really know where else I would get it. I would also like to get the quote from the Road. I have no idea where I would get it. A Daft Punk tattoo is another one, maybe something from Pulp Fiction. The Skrillex symbol that like three bars I would like on the back of my elbow.

 

Or maybe somewhere else because I might want to get both my elbows done by ***. Maybe on my ankle for that one. I would like to get a bunch of tattoos all over. I will also like to get some ear piercings or at least I think that I would like them. I am worried that they would make me look stupid or douchey. That would be the only thing that would keep me from getting them. I should get some like fake earrings to see how they would look. Maybe I should limit the amount I spend on tattoos and things of a cosmetic nature. That would be a good plan no matter what, because I need to be more careful with my money anyway.

 

The biggest drains on my money are eating out at work and books and other things on Amazon. Limited to only $10 a day, I would only spend $140 every two weeks. Obviously I would have to adjust to going grocery shopping maybe once a week, and then not spending money on several days to make up for it. If my paychecks are eight hundred every two weeks, and then I subtract two hundred each paycheck, seventy for my phone bill, thirty for Mediacom and twenty bucks for our rental insurance, that leaves over four hundred for grocery shopping and other expenses each month. Properly budgeted I should have money left over at the end of each pay period. Paying for gas is a priority and I should plan to spend one hundred and twenty dollars a paycheck for it.

 

That leaves about two hundred and sixty for food. Still, properly budgeted, I should have money left over each paycheck. That is a good goal to have and to limit my excess spending. Each paycheck should last me the entire two weeks, and I shouldn’t have to borrow anymore from my mom or ******. I also shouldn’t have to be completely broke for days because I wasted all my money on Amazon and food from Whole Foods. I have more than enough books to keep me occupied for many, many months without getting bored. Also, bringing my lunch to work will be good for my health and stress of having to leave for food. First, I think I want to work on my Vincent Bugliosi books about John F. Kennedy assassination which are both really long. I also need to manage my time better, doing chores arond the apartment to keep it from getting out of control. I need to start working out again, every day. This will help with my anxiety and depression and just my overall wellbeing.

 

to be continued . . .